A former teenage author turned twenty and her stabs at writing life and living to write.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Moments of Grace

Ah, more philosophy!!! It seems to me that all I spout on here is moments of realization and my own personal eyes on the world, life, and just about everything else connected with it. I can't help it though. Here is my outlet, so if this doesn't interest you, shield your eyes or click off the screen (flip the switch).

The last few weeks have been dark, which is probably why it has been so long since my last post. Then again, maybe if I had posted something more recently, things would have seemed less horrible. In any case, things were bad. I had been to countless doctors, trying to figure a few things out. And while the sun was beginning to shine more brightly and the trees and flowers were blooming once again, I felt myself coiling into the darkest corner I could find. Everything has been attacking me lately, even such benign things as deadlines, money (I should probably say the lack thereof), my future, and my past. Saturday was the anniversary of my mother's death (though anniversary just doesn't seem like the applicable word here).

Every year around this time, when life again is forming and the sun stays up longer and the crickets chirp louder and the birds begin to sing early in the morning, I can't help but think of her. The late warm evenings bring to recollection every old memory of barbecued chicken out on the trampoline when my dad was out of town. And while these memories are all so very sweet, they leave a sharp pain somewhere inside my heart that continually throbs.

These things were invading my mind constantly over the past few weeks, making my heart throb like never before and leaving numerous tear drops on my pillow at night. I was in constant, tangible pain. And then I took a picture, one picture that changed it all. I never take pictures... ever... so it was a rare occasion for me to use this feature on my phone, but I was playing with my cute niece and felt it was important that I capture the moment. Sitting on my lap, she looked up into the camera with me as I took several hurried shots.

I looked at those pictures for probably fifteen minutes after taking them, moving from one to another constantly until I had every image burned into my brain. As I looked into my eyes, it was almost as if I could see a part of her there, like I was reflecting her in some way from me. Now, I don't look like my mom. At least, I never really thought so. And that has always killed me inside because of all things, I have always wanted to be reminded of her when I looked in the mirror, see some part of her in my eyes or mouth or chin. And on the fifth anniversary of her passing, sitting on my grandmother's front porch with my little Trish, I saw something.

I doubt if anyone would see what I saw when looking at those pictures. I highly doubt that there really is any similarity captured in that photo. Nevertheless, I was shown this for a reason, like she was reaching out herself to comfort my throbbing heart. It's as if she was reminding me that I have the potential to be everything she was: open, kind, loving, emotional (it's a gift), brave, and so very tough. I have the ability to become that way inside of me... Me!

I was reading a portion of my book the other day when a short passaged jumped out at me. I mean, it flew from the page.

“But then, in the most unexpected of times, we find those small redeeming moments of grace, shadowy glimpses of bliss. And though small and often far spaced apart, those moments make everything else bearable. There are even times when the joy is so profound that we would gladly take on anything more just to keep it a little while longer.”

I have felt my share of pain, but it will only make the joy more sweet. I deal with daily regrets and heartache, just like anyone else out reading this right now. And I can pack my pain around with me on my shoulders, using it to push others away and causing misery everywhere I go. Yes, that is an option. Then again, I could use it to brighten my life. I could use it to appreciate every smile I create or every laugh I can utter. I can use it to bring myself to the kind of person I want to be: kind, loving, joyful, compassionate, and emotional (I was once told that I have the ability to cry over things that matter to me. Believe me. I already have this one down!!)

This one picture on the SIM card of a cell phone was MY redeeming moment of grace, my shadowed glimpse of bliss. Through all the sadness and pain, I was given a gift beyond measure. I was given love.

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