Often, I find myself looking for proof that a loving Heavenly Father exists. Unfortunately, in my head, this sometimes means that I start telling myself how this is my time. I've dealt with things, horrible things, and so naturally this is my time to get what I want, what I need. In some ways, I know this is a small part of why I've really put all my effort into finding an agent. In my head, I'm thinking this is finally going to be my break. A montage flashes across my mind of me accepting publishing offers and feeling the joy of writing and the satisfaction of sharing it with the world. And for some reason the Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head song is always my backup music, though that is nearly unimportant.
There is so much in this world that frightens me. On a global level, I cannot even begin to detail the crazy, awful things happening in today's world. On a personal level, I'm fearful that all the heartache I've felt will mean nothing in the end. See, I try to figure out in my head why all this happens to me. However, because I do not posses divine knowledge, I can't see that far ahead. On a personal level, I see the people around me dealing with their own lives as well that are all too often full of the same pain and uncertainty. On a personal level, I fear living in this world where so many live to hate and tear each other down. On a personal level, I'm scared I will waste my life away believing I am one thing when I am another completely. And yes, I know that again I'm making absolutely no sense.
So why do I read my scriptures and kneel in prayer? Why do I continue to attend church and sing hymns about love and peace and redemption? I could not answer in any way that would prove anything or make sense to anyone but myself. Feelings cannot be shown on paper on even written eloquently enough in this instance to describe just what I mean. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that He lives and has a plan for me. I have seen time and time again flashes of understanding, moments when even I can see a reason for a certain trial, for a necessary task.
I read books. I watch movies. I talk to people. And I cannot begin to comprehend the torture of living without any faith in a plan, in a God, in a loving being who watches over us and perhaps even cheers us on at times. And I should really be content to live the rest of my life in failure because I DO know that He lives. And I would not trade that knowledge for any number of published novels or Pulitzer prizes (Just for the record, however, I would be willing to take both).
A few chapters into my second book in the Jhevalia series, one of my characters asks the other if they believe in a divine creator. In response, the other looks out at a beautiful living world and responds that he doesn't know, but imagines sometimes that there is a reason and an explanation for the beauty that surrounds them all, for the glory of living and laughing and crying and loving.
In conclusion, I would like to list the things that I KNOW:
Heavenly Father lives
He has a plan for me
He has a plan to use me for the benefit of others
There are angels watching over me
Oftentimes, my dreams are much more than just that... dreams
The scriptures will be a guiding tool for the rest of my life
There is really so little that separates us from those beyond the veil
We are given people in our lives at certain times to catch us when we fall
That which is good never ends... not really... not life and certainly not love